I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
