he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
