R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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