dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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