When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
My ass is underappreciated
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
