Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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