remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
