Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I've blown a few things in my day
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
So much rum. So many feels.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Randomize
