I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
