I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize