she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
