you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
