if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
