and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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