I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
