Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
