i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Randomize
