The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
