It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
