I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
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