Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
i out mim tonsoeep
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
