btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
