My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Randomize
