If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
