My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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