How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Randomize
