don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize