I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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