your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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