You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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