I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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