if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
