I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
