So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Randomize
