the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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