I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Randomize
