Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
