Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
