I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
This is the high leading the old right now
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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