Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
