Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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