he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
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