You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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