Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
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