I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
