I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
