I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize