Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Randomize
