If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
