hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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