We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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