she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
