my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
