Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
