Dual....:-)
The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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