Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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