When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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