Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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