Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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