it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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