and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
