I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
